Akatsuki Fitness Club Membership
by AkiraDawn
Summary: Let's get physical! Akatsuki has received free one month trial membership passes to the fitness center in town. It's time to work out, but there will probably be an injury and an argument. Enjoy! Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1 Lens Crafters

Akatsuki Fitness Club Membership

I don't own Naruto nor do I make any type of profit from my fictions

"Alright Itachi, can you read that line for me?" Itachi leaned forward.

"X, T, N, S, U." Itachi leaned back with confidence

"How about this line?" Itachi leaned forward again and squinted his eyes.

"A……L, Q….H….Z, K."

"No, Itachi you need to try that line again." Itachi rolled his eyes in disgust.

"R, Y, P, D, C." He said squinting harder.

"Itachi, you're leaning forward in the chair, can you sit back with your back resting against the pad and read it. Itachi huffed at this doctor.

"Y, T, W, R, J!" he was getting disgusted.

"Okay I think we need to try…"

"OH MY GOD! F,U,C,K Y,O,U!!!!!!!!!" Itachi yelled.

"Itachi, I know you're upset but you can't read the 5th line on the chart. I think you may be developing a great degree of near sightedness. You're going to need glasses to see at a distance." The doctor said. Itachi was appalled.

"Oh…my….god…I…I….I do NOT wear GLASSES! Why can't I have CONTACTS! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M PRETTY!? Oh my god…..you're jealous…you want to fuck up my face!" Itachi was on the edge of a dramatic breakdown.

"Itachi, you can have contact lenses but we don't have any available in your prescription strength right now, I would suggest you get a pair of glasses until we order them. Not to mention there will be times when perhaps you don't want to wear contacts but will still need to be able to see at a distance." Right now Itachi was trying to deal with this unfortunate and traumatic news.

"Glasses? Glasses?" he repeated to the doctor desperately. The doctor scribbled a prescription for lenses.

"Here you go, here's your lens prescription. Your contact lenses will be ordered today and we'll call you when they come in." The doctor reassured him although Itachi still had a look of disgust, defeat and nausea on his face.

Meanwhile, back at home Marisol was preparing to leave for the salon where she worked part-time when the doorbell rang. It was a delivery man.

"Lola Aagard?" He questioned.

"No, I'm not Lola I'm not in my thirties." Marisol answered him. "But I can take a message for her!"

"I have a delivery for her. Here you go." The delivery man handed Marisol a package.

"Thanks! I'll make certain she gets it!" Marisol left the package on the kitchen counter and headed out the door. Itachi had left the doctor's office and was headed back home…in the most wretched of moods of course. It was a low key early afternoon back at the house.

"You must be an attorney cause you hung my jury?" Kisame read a message on a paper towel with a questioning attitude. Sasori was in the kitchen and he turned around to face Kisame.

"Oh yeah, I really like that one." He laughed at the message. "See everyday, I write tacky pick up lines on Lola's paper towels I pack in her lunch. That one is for tomorrow."

"So…what was today's?" Kisame asked.

"Is it hot in here or is it just you." Sasroi said.

"That is so tacky...god I wish I had a collection of tacky shit like that." Kisame said. This pleasant conversation was interrupted by the front door flying open and Deidara bursting through it excitedly.

"Oh my god! I am like………so excited right now I can barely breathe, yeah."

"Shit, that means that somewhere in the world some dumbass bird either laid an egg or hatched from one." Sasroi mumbled as he worked on his tomato basil bruschetta. It had been a while since he had made this dish.

"Okay, okay…okay. So, I was t the leader's place because I was dropping off his dry cleaning because he doesn't trust his wife to do it since the last time she accidently put a load of delicates in the dryer on high heat instead of low heat and then the colors in his favorite…."

"Deidara, get on with it." Zetsu cut him off.

"Oh yeah, well anyway. Pein was over there and he's lost weight! I was like all happy because you remember how self conscious he was at that last convention in Toronto a few years ago? You know the one where the leader forced us to go to that stupid Raptors game and my god hockey people are like so…."

"Oh for the love of god Deidara what the hell are you trying to tell us!?" Kisame was getting frustrated because Deidara always did this when he got too excited.

"Oh yeah, okay sorry. Anyway, so Pein's lost weight and he met this girl with blue hair…she had her back to me so I can't tell you much but anyway….he met her AND lost all his weight at…..THE FITNESS CLUB, YEAH!" Deidara squealed with delight.

"That's it?" Sasori asked dryly.

"Oh…and he gave me these passes for…A ONE MONTH FREE TRIAL MEMBERSHIP AT THE FITNESS CLUB! See, it's part of their refer a friend program where you get a special monthly discount rate when you get your friends to use the trial passes and join the club, yeah. And oh my god I saw the fitness center and it's like so….." Sasori cut Deidara off.

"No! No, no, no, no, no! You know how much I hate fitness centers! You know how much more in shape those people there are than me! You know that all those stupid as places do is make me want to go back to my childhood counselor and discuss my self esteem issues! I'm not going." Sasori said.

"Seriously, I thought you haven't had those issues since you met Lola." Hidan said.

"Well, I haven't…but going to that lame ass place will just bring it all back." Sasori said drizzling his olive oil on his baked bread pieces.

"But Sasori, Danna you just have to go you have to. We have PASSES, yeah! And you want Pein to get his membership discount."

"I don't care! He didn't like my cooking when I took a tiramisu to the leader's for that stupid ass birthday party for his wife. Pein deserves to be a fat ass…he didn't eat my cooking." Sasori was still put out by that even though it had happened several years earlier. Deidara was getting ready to convince Sasori that the fitness club would be fun when the door flew open.

"Itachi! Itachi's you'll never believe this, yeah!" Deidara was getting ready to spread the good news.

"Go to hell! Just go to fucking hell! My life is nothing but shit! Everything bad happens to me and there's nothing you can say or do to make this….GOD I HATE MY LIFE!" Itachi whined.

"What the hell Itachi? You just went to the fucking eye doctor…at least they don't look at you and say 'it's not you Sasori it's just that you aren't as popular as some of the other guys'. Sasori said reminiscing bitterly on his teenage years.

"Oh go to hell Sasori…I need GLASSES….GLASSES! Did you people hear me……GLASSES! I CAN'T WEAR GLASSES…I JUST CAN'T! THEY WILL RUIN ME! You known what I have a fucking head ache, I need aspirin."

"What's so bad about glasses?" Kisame asked. Well, that was the wrong question.

"What's so bad about glasses? WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT GLASSES!? WHAT THE HELL IS NOT BAD ABOUT GLASSES! God…I'm going to look like Lola when she's sitting in front of that laptop of hers. I DON'T' WANT TO BE SMART!" Itachi was getting out of hand.

"Itachi, just calm down. It will be okay, if we just find you some nice designer frames then we can use these fitness club free trial passes and you will look fine, yeah." Deidara tried to reassure him.

"Oh that's just fucking great Deidara….not only to I hear the worst news that someone as hot as me can hear in their life…but then I hear that we FINALLY get some passes to that fitness club that I've been dying to try out…..DAMN IT! Of all times I need to look on Deidara….we're going to Lens Crafters.

"Well, I can't go right now I'm going to….AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!" Itachi grabbed Deidara by the hair and pulled him towards the door.

"Come on you stupid ass! We have to go NOW! I don't want to hear your bitching! It's about me and it's my life that's ruined not yours!" itachi whined. Sasori rolled his eyes as Hidan held the mozzarella cheese for him as he sliced it.

"But why can't I tell Dana about the fitness club first, yeah?" Deidara begged.

"BECAUSE LENS CRAFTERS WILL HAVE YOUR LENSES READY IN ABOUT AN HOUR….IT CAN WAIT STUPID! COME ON!!!!" Itachi yelled. He let go of Deidara's hair and decided he needed to get the last word in before he dragged Deidara out the door. Itachi sighed. "You know….I blame this dumb ass Sharingan…I do….and why, why, why WHY could it have not been my dumbass brother! WHY!? He's not hot…he doesn't care..FUCK YOU DOMINAT INHERITED GENES….FUCK YOU!" itachi slammed the door.


	2. Chapter 2 Bring on the Passes

"No. No. No. No….NO! Oh my god do you not understand that none of those frames are good enough for me!? God! Who do you think I am Deidara, Orochimaru? He will settle for any stupid shit!" Itachi groaned.

"Itachi, you can't make an informed decision until you try a set of frames on, yeah." Deidara said trying as hard as he could to be helpful.

"Don't tell me what to do, okay! I just got the most horrible news today that every man dreads Deidara! It's my life that's ruined not yours! Oh my god….Dana!...Oh shit…Dana's not going to marry me is she?! IS SHE!? Oh my god does this mean my wedding is off? I HATE MY LIFE!" And then came the tears. "I'm sorry for being a bitch, I really am, it's just that I'm a little bit sensitive right now, I can't deal with all this stress." Itachi's voice was all high and squeaky.

"Now Itachi, it's okay…it's okay…let it out….let it allllll out…..yeah." Deidara gave Itachi a loving hug as he cried and cried over the glasses. Itachi started muttering something to Deidara but he couldn't be understood because he voice was so squeaky.

"I can't understand you, yeah. But it doesn't matter now, just cry, yeah." Deidara was so comforting.

Meanwhile back at home, the bruchetta had come out of the oven and now Sasori and Hidan were at the kitchen counter getting ready to eat it when Sasori caught sight of the package that had arrived for Lola.

"When did that arrive?" Sasori said reaching for the package.

"This morning I think." Hidan replied.

"Oooooh, it's Lola's new Blackberry phone….ooooh I need to figure out how this thing works before she gets home today so I can leave her a tacky welcome message every time she turns the phone on. " Sasori said basically looking for an excuse to mess with the phone.

"Hey do you think I should make watermelon Jello today or blue raspberry?" Tobi asked appearing from the pantry.

"You should definitely make the watermelon….mainly because I used the blue raspberry in the last batch of Jello shots." Sasori told him.

"Okay! Today we will have fish shaped Jello jigglers!" Tobi said excitedly returning to the panty to fetch the Jello and his cookie cutter.

"Kisame will love that." Hidan mumbled sarcastically.

"Hey, what's going on? Me and Kisame finally convinced that stupid mailman to stop driving the mail carrier in our grass." Zetsu said.

"Let's see, Itachi's freaking out because he needs glasses and Deidara got us these stupid ass fitness club trial passes and that's it." Hidan said.

"Oh god, Itachi needs glasses? God this is great. And what the hell are we supposed to do with fitness passes?" Zetsu wondered.

"Let Deidara have his fun and then maybe our lives can go back to normal." Sasori said biting in to the bruschetta.

"Oh my god! I'm like so excited! Guess what, yeah!? I found….a notebook!" Dana said entering the room. Her blue eyes sparkled with excitement.

"Okay…and?" Kisame said.

"Marisol can do all kinds of maid of honor stuff in this notebook, yeah!" Dana was thrilled.

"Oh…well yeah that's true. You would need a notebook for that kind of thing." Zetsu said. Dana gasped.

"Are these free trial membership passes to the fitness club downtown, yeah?"

"Don't remind us." Sasori mumbled. "No Tobi, what did I tell you last time about the Jello? Don't make it in the big mixing bowl. Here….use this bowl." Sasori halted Tobi's Jello skills before he could make it in the giant mixing bowl like he did last time.

"I have so always wanted to go to that place downtown! Oh my god, Itachi is going to be so excited, yeah."

"Yeah, about Itachi…..Kakuzu said counting money on the living room table. "He had to get glasses today. He's not happy about it."

"Oh glasses? Hmmmm….that's kind of hot, yeah. He'll be like….one of those scientist people! Oh I can't wait to see them, yeah!" Dana was excited.

"Alright, Itachi lets take this one step at a time, yeah. These are nice Giorgio Armani frames…let's see how they look." Deidara handed Itachi the frames. He reluctantly took them and slowly put them on. "Okay, that was the first step, now are you ready to see them?" Deidara asked. Itachi took a deep breath.

"No, I can't. I can't look at myself!" he whined. Deidara took those frames off of him.

"Fine let's try these... Dior frames…these look nice, yeah." Deidara handed the next set of frames over but Itachi wouldn't' take them.

"You know, I don't need glasses that badly. Come on let's just go back home and use start our fitness club free trial membership." Itachi said.

"Itachi, how many fingers am I holding up, yeah."

"Dumb ass! I'm near sighted I can see that!" Itachi bitched at him.

"Oh okay…" Deidara got up and walked across the room. "Okay, now how many fingers am I holding up, yeah? Oh my god can you even see me over here?" Deidara wondered.

"Shut up! God you are so retarded!" Itachi yelled at him.

"At last! The end is finally near! I only have 47 more internship hours, then its back to Harvard for graduation, take the bar exam and I will be Lola Aagard…attorney at law!" Lola said excitedly coming through the front door.

"I thought Lola was already an attorney?" Kakuzu asked.

"Well, she gets paid for the internship and she's doing things that she will be doing as an attorney, but she doesn't have the diploma or the license yet." Sasori explained. Lola had disappeared to change clothes just as quickly as she had come through the door.

"When does she graduate?" Kakuzu continued to question.

"In less than one month. And Kakuzu…you may like to know…Lola's starting salary at the firm downtown has already been set at 175 thousand dollars plus any cases she represents on her own. She would collect an appropriate lawyer fee…and those can add up quickly." Sasori knew Kakuzu would like that part. "Kakuzu?" Sasori questioned after Kakuzu didn't respond. The look on his face was priceless and it appeared that Kakuzu was drooling just a little bit.

"Hey what do you say you and I go get Burger King tonight and take it to the park. The new art piece is being unveiled tonight." Lola told Sasori.

"Yeah, we can do that…but look what you got in the mail today." Sasori said shoving the Blackberry towards Lola.

"Oh my god, my new phone…..Damn this thing is going to own my ass until I figure it out." Lola said examining the phone. Of course something else caught her eye as she studied it. "What are those?"

"Some stupid ass fitness club passes Deidara got for free today...apparently we have to use them." Sasori said.

"Great, that's exactly what I need. Some cutsie little twenty something blonde who just so happens to be a former cheerleader turned personal trainer telling me about all my problem areas and how I don't exercise enough and how I need to drop 20 pounds." Lola said bitterly.

"Wow! You're as cynical and angry as Sasori about this…god you two will have a hell of a time at the fitness club." Hidan said.

"Hey, has anyone seen my….oh….my…god." Kisame was interrupted by Deidara and Itachi appearing at the door next.

"Come on Itachi, it's okay. I've already told you 87 times that you look good and that if I were gay I would sleep with you AND if I were looking for a metrosexual guy pal to roam the city with you would be that person, yeah. Now, what are you going to say?" Deidara questioned. Itachi sighed.

"I put the 'oh yes' in sex." Itachi mumbled.

"I can't hear you, yeah!" Deidara said struggling to pull Itachi through the door.

"I put the 'oh yes' in sex." Itachi said slightly more audibly.

"Itachi! Get in this house now, yeah!" Deidara demanded. "Now say it like you mean it!"

"I PUT THE 'OH YES' IN SEX!" Deidara shoved Itachi through the door. All eyes were on Itachi.

"Holy fuck he got glasses!" Lola said caught completely off guard. "I bet that took some spunk out of his balls." She muttered to Sasori.

"Like a teenage boy that gets rejected by the cute girl that sits behind him." Sasori whispered.

"Hmmm, that's heavy." Lola said.

"Oh my god! Itachi, baby! I love them! I love them, I love them, yeah!" Dana threw her arms around Itachi.

"Dana, you don't have to lie. Go ahead say it…'Itachi you look like a scientist.'" Itachi told Dana.

"But honey, I really like them…they're really hot actually. Rectangle frames look nice on you, yeah." Dana reassured him.

"Don't worry my contacts will be available in 2-3 weeks." Itachi said.

"Itachi, I told you Dana would still do you, now relax and let's all get changed, wait for Marisol to get home and go to the fitness club tonight, yeah! The place is open until 11:00!" Deidara was excited.

"Really, Itachi the glasses are fine." Hidan said. At this point it was only a matter of time before the fitness club saw it's newest trial members…this surely couldn't go well…could it?


	3. Chapter 3 The Pine Valley Fitness Club

"Oh my god! You're kidding! The fitness club!? Give me 10 minutes, I'll get changed. Oh my god this is like so exciting!" Marisol ran off to change clothes, Deidara had revealed the wondrous news of the free trial passes.

"Is this what I can wear to the gym?" Tobi said appearing in a sweatband, knee high socks, tennis shoes, shorts, a tank top, a water bottle, and an mp3 player.

"Um….yeah." Kisame said noticing that Tobi was obviously WAY overdressed.

"I'm ready to go." Kakuzu said grabbing a gym bag.

"Alright, I'm going to need a couple changes of clothes, some shower gel, deodorant, cologne, extra socks, another pair of shoes, a hair brush…oh I'm going to need a hairdryer too. Hey wait, I'm going to need some shampoo, conditioner, some Frederic Fekkai shine serum….."

"Itachi, the fitness center has most of that, yeah…..well maybe not the shine serum." Deidara interrupted him.

"Okay….but will they have a shower puffy thing?" Itachi challenged.

"No." Deidara answered.

"It's okay! I have three of those packed, some extra razors, lotion, extra clothes, two pair of shoes, a towel, and a flat iron, yeah!" Dana went through her list of packed items.

"Okay…so I think we're good, let's go." Marisol came down the stairs with yet another bag crammed full of useless things to take to the fitness club. It was time for everyone to leave.

"Do you think they'll have an Olympic sized pool?" Kisame wondered.

"I bet they will man, I bet they will." Zetsu reassured him.

"Oh my god! I hope that the dance aerobics class is tonight, yeah! I so want to try that!" Deidara said.

"Oh I want to try that too!" Marisol chimed in.

"Yes, that is a must. Me and Dana need to be in that class. God, I will own those fat people's asses." Itachi said. Everyone loaded up the AKTSUKI van and Zetsu was the evening's delegated driver.

I'm going run laps!" Tobi announced.

"I'm thinking I'll get one of you to spot me on the free weights." Hidan said.

"Oh, I got you covered!" Zetsu reassured him.

"Um..Sasori Danna, you haven't said anything for a good five minutes and neither has Lola…why? Aren't you totally excited to go to the fitness club, yeah!?" Deidara asked.

"Oh yeah, yeah I'm excited…..excited like the time I found out my parents weren't coming home." Sasori said spitefully.

"Well…..that doesn't sound very excited actually…did you really like that? I thought that like gave you serious issues that took years of counseling to overcome and stuff, yeah. And then…."

"Oh for god's sake Deidara! I'm not looking forward to this!" Lola had seemed to ignore this entire conversation.

"Did you write this welcome message into this phone?" she asked Sasori as she breezed through the giant instruction booklet. Sasori laughed.

"Now what gives you that idea? Sasori laughed.

"It says 'Thanks for Last Night'." Lola said.

"Yeah, I thought that was funny because now if you turn your phone on in front of some of those people at the law firm they'll be like 'whoa, Lola'." Sasori said convinced this was the greatest idea ever.

"Hmmm, well it will make some of those prudes down there wonder if they see it."

"Oh! Oh! Look there it is! The Pine Valley Fitness Club, yeah!" Deidara said pointing to the sign that indicated the entrance was approaching.

"Great, it looks like this place is just full of twenty something blondes just DYING to get their pretty little manicured hands on me and tell me what a fat ass I am." Lola said disgusted.

"Okay, I'm parking somewhere easy, so you may have to walk a little bit Zetsu said pulling in to the back row of parking spots." Once he got parked Tobi was the first out of the van and immediately doing jumping jacks in the parking lot.

"Um….Tobi, we're not even inside yet." Kisame told him.

"I know! But I thought that perhaps I should stretch before I went inside!" Tobi said still making a complete fool out of himself in the parking lot.

"Oh my god, I hope they have a locker for all this stuff!" Marisol said pulling out her bag and Dana's bag. Itachi and Deidara pulled their giant gym bags out as well.

"Marisol, honey here…take the passes, yeah and I'll take your bag." Deidara traded her.

"Are you sure this is a free trial membership? No hidden costs? Do we have to rent the towels?" Kakuzu was a little worried.

"Don't worry Kakuzu, this is a completely free experience, yeah." Deidara reassured him.

"You better be right about that, you know how I hate to pay for things that I think are free." Kakuzu said still not completely convinced. They entered the super swank fitness club. Deidara acted like he knew what he was doing so he grabbed Itachi and headed for the front membership desk.

"Hi! We have these one month free trial passes, yeah."

"Oh okay, I'll make you some temporary membership cards and have someone give you all a tour of the facility. Now, Ill just need the names of everyone who will be using the passes." The woman said. Deidara rattled off everyone's name but how he managed to spell everything correctly was a mystery.

"Alright this will just take a moment." The woman quickly printed out temporary membership cards and handed the stack to Deidara. "Now, you won't need these today but next time you visit just scan the card in one of those scanners at the entrance. Follow Myra, she will give you the tour of our facility."

"I'm Myra and I'm here to make you hate yourself!' Lola mocked the woman in front of them as the woman led them down the main annex. Hidan thought this was hilarious.

"First off, thanks for coming to visit the fitness club, I think you all will like it here. Immediately in front of you we have our racquet ball courts. We provide all racquet ball equipment here. If you'll follow me this way, you'll see our men's locker room here to the left; this is one of two men's locker rooms. Down here is our spinning class, our treadmill, exercise bikes, weight equipment, stair climbers and elliptical trainers. On down the hall this way is one of the two women's locker rooms. We have an Olympic size pool, hot spa, and sauna down this annex. There are four outdoor tennis courts, two indoor courts, one indoor soccer field and a half size football field in our sports facility this way. The basketball courts and indoor track are located in this adjacent annex and team sports are constantly forming so if that's something you are interested in I'm sure you can find a team. Here we have a pilates, yoga and aerobics studio. There is always a list of programs and classes posted out here on this board so feel free to check and see when a class that interests you is offered. Now, I should tell you that we offer personal trainers at no additional costs, they will work with you to develop a work out plan based on your goals. The second women's locker room is located on the opposite site of the studio. Do you all have any questions?" The woman asked.

"No, thanks we can't wait to do stuff!" Itachi told her excited to check the board for the dance aerobics class. "Oh my god! Dance aerobics is offered at 2:00…that's in one hour!" Itachi said.

"Oh my god I can't wait, yeah. Come on let's go put all of our stuff in a locker!" Itachi, Deidara, Marisol and Dana quickly ran off to stash their stuff.

"Alright, so they are obviously going to do their thing, I'm going to hit the pool." Kisame said.

"Indoor track here I come!" And Tobi went running off.

"Hidan, let's hit those free weights." Zetsu said.

"Good, I need to get away from Kakuzu, he's looking for change in the pay phones, god….what a stupid bitch." Hidan rolled his eyes and took off with Zetsu.

"Let's just walk around and act like we know what's going on." Sasori told Lola and so they took off in another direction. Kakuzu would continue to go on his change hunting mission throughout the club.


	4. Chapter 4 Meet The Personal Trainers

"Oh my god, Zetsu, seriously….all my recent ritualistic prayers to Jasshin has interfered with my weightlifting abilities….I can't take it anymore!" Hidan said panting.

"Dude, take a break you've already done like 40 reps. We'll switch for a while." Zetsu said.

"Alright, that's….yeah that's a good idea." Hidan got up from the free weights mat and switched places with Zetsu. He changed the weight for Zetsu so he could start slowly and gradually progress upwards. "Okay, you're all ready. These are the ten pounders so this should be a good place to start seriously." Hidan said. Zetsu removed the bar weights from their stand and completed a few repetitions.

"What's the matter Hidan, can't take the weight?" Kakuzu walked up and taunted him…..not smart…..

"What did you say Kakuzu?" Hidan said trying to avoid a confrontation.

"You know what I said. I always knew you were never as strong as you thought you were.

"Oh go to hell you stupid little shit!" Hidan without thinking, turned around dropped the ten pound bar weights on top of Zetsu leaving him screaming.

"Get real Hidan! You know that you have work to do!"

"Shut the fuck up! Have you seriously done anything except go around and look for spare change?" Hidan challenged.

"You can't lift more than 50 pounds…I FOUND 50 cents!" Kakuzu said.

"Oh that's it get off with your stupid piece of shit money fetish! My god you are so damn stupid what with your cheapness and your…..your……GOD YOU PISS ME THE HELL OFF!" Hidan yelled.

"HIDAN!!!!!!!!!!" Zetsu screamed for him still trapped under the 10 pound weights of doom…why he couldn't escape was a mystery.

"Just admit that you're wrong Hidan!"

"Oh yeah? Just admit that you're a dumbass fucking piece of shit!"

"You can't say dumbass in a fitness club!" Kakuzu yelled spotting a dime on the floor.

"Yeah? Well you can't be a fucking MONEY HUNGRY STUPID FUCK in a fitness club either!" Hidan challenged.

"HIDAN! HELP!"

"Oh, oh, oh, hey man..I am so sorry! Here, here, now hold still…KAKUZU LOOK WHAT YOU DID! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Hidan was done with this argument. He managed to free Zetsu from the weights. "Um…okay so…..you want to try that again or say……go to the first aid station?"

"I'm think I'm going to need an ice pack." Zetsu moaned.

Meanwhile, in another section of the fitness club…..'D D D D D Dora! D D D D D Dora! Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer! Boots is super cool, explore with Dora…we need your help! Grab your back pack, let's go, Vamonos! YOU CAN LEAD THE WAAAAAY…..' "Oh wow….I just can't get enough of that theme song." Tobi said out loud as he had the 'Dora the Explorer' theme song set to repeat on his mp3 player. He had already done 13 laps around the indoor track and he was obviously not stopping anytime soon. Of Tobi hadn't noticed that his water bottle full of what was apparently red Kool-Aid (which no one knew he had put in there) had leaked out all over the indoor track. Of course, Tobi being….well…Tobi just thought that was added color to keep you occupied. The janitor that was currently cleaning up behind him was not a clue to him to check the water bottle. Tobi had now decided to time himself, so he borrowed one of the loaner stop watch from the desk and took off around the track again…avoiding the janitor.

"Okay everybody, we're going to start with a simple warm up just to stretch out and then we're going to get into some cardio aerobics combined with some great dance moves!" The perky fitness instructor explained.

"This is so……EXCITING, yeah!" Deidara could hardly contain himself as he squeezed Marisol's hand practically in two.

"Oh my god……I look…..so good in these glasses! Deidara, look at me! Did you know I looked this good? Hey, hey do you think I should wear these for the wedding? Do you think it would make me look like I had a lot of money? I mean, I do look….you know like….like I have one of those jobs where you make tons of cash? You know what, I should go back and order the silver ones too, you know for variety. Don't you think so?" Itachi continually asked questions.

"Sshh! We're starting the warm up, yeah!' Deidara scolded him.

"You know you are a totally shitty friend sometimes." Itachi said facing the front for the warm-up.

"Dana, can you believe some of these people in here are like wearing really baggy clothes that they obviously can't dance in?" Marisol questioned.

"Yeah I have…I wonder why? Do you think it's because most of the people in here besides you and me and Itachi and Deidara are like….you know…a lot uglier, yeah?" Dana asked.

"Hmmm…well maybe." Marisol said.

"Do you know how long it's been since I've done sit-ups?" Lola asked Sasori as he held her feet in place as she slowly and unwillingly did sit-ups. Sasori thought a moment.

"1996?" he asked.

"Actually, you're close…1998." Sasori laughed.

"I probably should have worked out more in the past…but you know with Deidara around all the time, it's just a total slap to your self esteem."

"Hi there! My name is Jillian. It looks like you two could use some help! I'm a personal trainer here and I'd be glad to workout a plan that best fits your needs and exercise goals!" An overly perky blonde said to both Sasori and Lola. Lola glared at Sasori wanting nothing more than for this intruder to leave.

"That's okay I'm good." Lola said dryly. The woman looked at Sasori.

"Uh….no thanks...I'm…fit." he answered.

"Are you sure? You won't be expected to do anything I suggest and myself and my assistant Troy only have your best interest in mind!" she asked once more before leaving. Lola rolled her eyes thinking 'fine anything to get you the hell away from me.'

"Alright. with you and be the bigger, uglier woman that makes you look good." Lola said. Jillian laughed.

"Oh it's nothing at all like that. And we refer all our men to Troy, he's great." The woman said.

"Great, he'll be gay and want me to switch colognes and then try to get me to buy a Volvo." Sasori muttered to no one in particular.

"So, what's your names?" the woman asked.

"I'm Lola, this is Sasori."

"It's nice to meet you, what do you two do?" Lola was not liking all these questions.

"I'm 47 intern hours from finishing my law degree. I was an international trade account representative until I began my internship."

"I….uh……well…..I sell insurance." Sasori lied as quickly as possible.

"Okay, Sasori you can go with Troy he'll help you out with anything you would like to work on!" Jillian replied happily.

"Bye Lola, if I'm wearing hair gel when I return…you'll know this didn't go very well." Sasori said.

"Okay Lola, why don't you have a seat at this table. I need to get one of my client forms and ask you a few questions. Lola sat down, still not willing to do this.

"Alright, how old are you Lola?"

"39." She answered.

"How many times a week do you exercise normally?" Lola thought a moment. "Okay…now when you say exercise…..does sex fall in to that category?"This question caught Jillian the personal trainer a little off guard. She laughed nervously.

"Um……no….no that's…a….different category." Lola nodded her head.

"In that case…I don't exercise." Lola said.

Meanwhile, at the pool Kisame was currently having swim races with another terrific swimmer that frequented the fitness club.

"Wow! You are a terrific swimmer, it's like you're part shark or something! Come on first one to finish 32 laps wins!" The guy told Kisame.

"Okay!" And so they took off again.


	5. Chapter 5 Tobi and the Balance Ball

"You know, maybe the swelling will go down in a couple of days, seriously." Hidan said. "I feel so horrible about this, it's just when Kakuzu starts his bitching and whining and stuff I can't deal with his ass and it sets me off so bad." Hidan said apologetically.

"Oh it's alright Hidan, I understand. Just if you don't mind, keep holding that ice pack against my head. Hey you know, we'll have to try those free weights again sometime when Kakuzu isn't around." Zetsu told him.

"Definitely man, definitely." Hidan said. "Hey, do you want something to drink or maybe another ice pack for the other side of your head?""

"I'm good, thanks anyway." Zetsu reassured him. "You know, we should go check on Tobi. I don't think anyone has seen him for 2 and a half hours." Hidan agreed and so they left the first aid area to find Tobi.

"Oh my god! I haven't' had this much fun since that clearance sale at the GAP…..and I don't even shop at the GAP that often, yeah." Deidara said as the class was in the middle of routines.

"I know! It's so much fun! And honestly, these middle aged overweight people that do the dance steps poorly are way nicer than those bitches on my dance company!" Marisol replied.

"Dana! Do you think that instructor takes requests? Wouldn't it be great if that instructor taught this class some sort of routine to Numa Numa!?" Itachi asked excitedly.

"Ooooooh, that would be exciting, yeah! Oh! We could even use those aerobic stepping blocks, yeah!" Dana said.

"Okay everyone, our next routine will be to Umbrella by Rihanna featuring Jay-Z." the instructor informed everyone.

"AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Of course Marisol and Deidara's screams of joys terrified everyone else around them.

"Oh my god! Dana hold my hand…I can't take the thrill…..this is the greatest dance aerobics class I've ever taken in MY LIFE!"Itachi said feeling himself starting to get a little worked up. In another area of the gym in the world of personal training…..

"Yeah, I played soccer years ago and I've shot basketball but not…you know like on a team, just around with friends and that kind of thing." Sasori told personal trainer Troy.

"The reason I ask is because based on what you and I have done up to know, I have concluded that you have excellent mobility and truthfully, your endurance is great."

"Troy, I'm going to be honest with you…I have no damn clue why…all I ever do is cook, clean, pay bills, do laundry, and go on an occasional walk outside to clean the pool area at our place."

"Sasori, you're lucky. Now, what we're going to do is since you play soccer, we're just going to move the ball up and down the indoor field here."

"Actually, that sounds great, okay…yeah let's do that."

"Hey, I have to tell you something. I did not want to come to this fitness club today…as a matter a fact I've been really pissed about it up until now. But, you are like…the only blonde who has ever taken me seriously, you know?" Lola said. Jillian smiled.

"Lola, you are a very beautiful woman who has definitely been blessed in all the right places. It's not about being a size 2, it's about getting results for YOUR body. With your height Lola, you never want to weight less than 140 pounds and you are going in to a high stress job, you are going to need eat enough each day so you aren't exhausted at work." Lola smiled.

"I like you. Thank you for not trying to turn me into Barbie."

"It's no problem, now there is a half size indoor football field. Let's head down there and run some yard sprints." Lola perked up.

"Did you say there was a half football field? Like…..you can throw in there?" Lola asked.

"Oh yes, did you not get the tour?"

"Oh I did, I was just making cynical and smart ass comments the entire time to my boyfriend who had equally amusing smart ass things to say back…so I didn't pay a whole lot of attention. But, if you say there's a football field in this place I'm there." Lola said getting up from the floor.

"Excuse me, could you point me in the direction of the pole vault." Tobi asked a fitness club employee.

"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any pole vaulting….but we do have balance ball fitness class that starts in 20 minutes."

"I'm there!" Tobi said running off to find the room where the balance balls would be used. It was mainly the idea of rolling around on an oversized bouncy ball that amused Tobi the most. He decided it would be in his best interest to get some practice before the class started, so he tried to balance himself on the giant ball….without much success.

"You know, I haven't swam this many laps since the time me and my friends went to Miami Beach." Kisame said to the guy he had been swimming with.

"Yeah man, it's been fun. Hey what do you say we hit the showers and dry off. I'm exhausted!" Kisame's swimming buddy said.

"That's a great idea." Kisame said pulling himself out of the pool, it's getting late anyway. I'm sure my friends will be close to finishing up for the evening."

"OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I LOVE THIS CLASS, YEAH!" Deidara yelled to Marisol as they completed their routine to 'The Way I Are Remix'.

"I KNOW! IT'S LIKE THE BEST CLASS EVER!" Marisol yelled back.

"HEY! DO YOU THINK WE'LL GET TO DO SOME KIND OF ROUTINE TO…..OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE THE INSTRUCTOR READ MY MIND!!!!!!!" Itachi shouted out thrilled with the next song selection for the group which was 'Promiscuous Girl'.

"THIS IS THE GREATEST FITNESS CLUB LIKE……EVER, YEAH!" Dana yelled to Itachi. The current time was 8:50 which meant that this would probably be the last routine before the cool down. Then it would be time to wrap up and head home after the first day at the fitness club with the trial membership passes.

"Well, Zetsu, it looks like the ice has helped your head, it's not that funny color anymore, seriously."

"Hey, uh, do you thinkwe should check on Kakuzu?" Zetsu wondered.

"Fuck Kakuzu, he's probably in the men's locker room looking for more spare change." Hidan said.

"I really appreciate you helping me out, see this is the disadvantage of having a plant head….you get stuck in shit like workout equipment."

"Hey, hey Zetsu it was totally my fault…no actually it was dumbass Kakuzu's fault but I'm still sorry I couldn't get to you sooner, seriously." Hidan felt really badly about Zetsu getting assaulted by the weights.

"Oh my god Troy! I have completely revived my wicked soccer skills!" Sasori said to Troy actually quite excited about the whole thing.

"See, I told you that you had it in you the entire time." Troy reassured him.

"You know, you have really made what I thought was going to be a shit ass awful experience…a quite pleasurable one." Sasori told him. " I mean, I came in here and all I wanted to do was cut my arm off because I hate fitness clubs and I've always done anything I could to avoid them….but you…..YOU have changed my mind." Well it's obvious Sasori was now a changed man…..

"Oh hey, Tobi. So get this, I've walked around this fitness center improving my health and everything and while improving my health, I've made 1 dollar and 15 cents." Kakuzu was very proud of his money making trip to the fitness club.

"Wow! That's really great Kakuzu! Guess what I tried to take part in the balance ball fitness class….but I fell off the ball exactly 37 times so I decided to leave the class and try next time." Tobi explained.

"Sure, those things are a bitch anyway. I remember when Hidan had this stupid ass religious workout tape…he had a balance ball…it had a picture of Jasshin on it….that was so stupid." Kakuzu said rolling his eyes. It seemed like everyone was making the most of the first night at the fitness club…but the night wasn't over yet….


	6. Chapter 6 Locker Room Makeover

"Oh! Check that shit out! 96 yards! My god! I could throw this thing all night!" Lola was more than excited. Little did the personal trainer know that Lola had played Powder Puff football when she was an undergraduate in college. It was an all female team…Lola played running back.

"I'm glad that you've enjoyed it." Jillian the trainer beamed. "That's an impressive arm that you have."

"I'll look forward to the next time I come here to this club. I've had fun tonight, and I'll be sure to check out that Pilates class you were talking about." Lola said.

"Good Lola! You have a great night, I'll see you later." Lola left the trainer to look for Sasori. Meanwhile, Itachi and Deidara were having a rather frantic moment in the men's locker room.

"Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god! Where is it!?" Itachi yelled from inside the shower.

"Where's what, yeah?" Deidara asked from the shower across from Itachi.

"Um, hello!? My volumizing conditioner!? I thought I brought it in the shower with me!" Itachi panicked.

"Well, I'm using it right now, but you can have it in a minute, yeah." Deidara said calmly.

"Oh my god, what the hell?! I swear, if I didn't think it would be weird I would march right over there and take that conditioner out of your hands right now! I need it NOW, not in a few minutes….NOW!" Itachi complained.

"Relax Itachi, enjoy the shower, yeah. I'll give it to you as soon as I'm finished." Deidara said not at all concerned about the conditioner dilemma.

"You better! You know how prone to tangles I am!" And in still yet another locker room….

"Dana, do you think we'll have time to redo our makeup?" Marisol asked.

"Of course. You know Itachi will fight Deidara for the flat iron until he gives in and that takes at least 20 minutes, yeah." Dana reassured her.

"Okay, well I brought three different outfits because I didn't know if we were going out after this or if we were heading home or if perhaps we had to go grocery shopping." Marisol said showing Dana her three different outfits.

"Oh! I did the same thing, yeah. You just never know. Here let's both decide together." Dana said. Back in the main lobby of the fitness club, Tobi was waiting patiently on everyone else. Kisame was the first to arrive.

"Hey Tobi, how did things go for you?"

"Oh Kisame! I ran so many laps and of course I fell off the balance ball a lot…but I ran laps, laps and more laps!" Tobi said very pleased with himself.

"Good for you. I'm going to come back tomorrow for sure." Kisame told him. Hidan and the injured Zetsu joined Tobi and Kisame.

"Dude, what happened to your head?" Kisame asked.

"It was Kakuzu's fault! Kakuzu is a stupid fuck!" Hidan shouted before anyone else could say anything.

"Oh, nothing…Hidan and Kakuzu started fighting…again…and the free weights fell on my head. But you know, it will get better." Zetsu explained.

"Next time I come here, I refuse to have Kakuzu with me, he just doesn't understand anything!" Hidan said. Sasori had found Lola as she was returning her fitness club towels.

"Lola!" Sasori grabbed her shoulders. "I love the fitness club!" Lola stared blankly at him for a moment.

"I know I love the fitness club too! I can still throw a football like it means something!" Lola yelled back.

"Oh my god! Lola! I can't wait to come back! I can join one of the intramural soccer teams! My god maybe I can talk Hidan in to doing it too!"

"That's wonderful! You know the next time I'm here I'm going to try that Pilates shit…you know to see how quickly I can pull a muscle in my groin!

"God, Lola can you imagine the stuff we could get into here!?" Sasori asked her as they made their way towards the front of the building.

"I know!" Lola was very excited.

Kakuzu had now arrived at the main entrance where Tobi, Kisame, Hidan and Zetsu awaited everyone else's arrival so they could leave.

"Well, after this evening I found a total of 3 dollars in change. I'd say this place would pay off after a week." Kakuzu said.

"God, you stupid tight ass! Kakuzu, why the hell don't you just take you money and shove it up your…" Lola and Sasori cut Hidan's rant off.

"Hey, guys isn't this place AMAZING!?" Sasori asked. Everyone else stared at both him and Lola in disbelief.

"Who are you and what have you done with our fitness hating and cynical Sasori?" Zetsu said.

"Oh come on, you know I will say something smart ass to Deidara when he gets out here! What you mean I can't appreciate the thrill of sport AND make snide comments towards others?" Sasori asked not really wanting anyone to answer. Dana and Marisol came out of the women's locker room to find everyone else standing where they all had entered. And of course they were both extremely overdressed.

"Oh my god, we had like so much fun, yeah!" Dana said. "Of course Marisol and I didn't know if we would go anywhere after this so we weren't sure how to dress….do you think this is too casual, yeah?"

"You're wearing a dress…how the hell is that too casual?" Lola asked.

"Oh my god, Lola! Are you not going to go to the wonderful locker room and shower?" Marisol asked.

"We're 15 minutes from home….why would I do that and pack up all my crap when I can just leave it at home and shower there?"

"But you're….hot and sweaty." Marisol said.

"Yeah, so? I'll dry off, I don't smell offensively. Sasori would tell me if I did." Lola said.

"You're strange sometimes, Lola." Marisol said.

"Sorry, Deidara is so stupid he would NOT put the flat iron down for two seconds for me to use!" Itachi ranted apologizing for taking forever in the locker room. "I have to say this place is so great and the showers are amazing and those locker rooms have the best lighting. I'll be back to this place. God, Pein is great for getting those free trial passes." Itachi added grabbing Dana's hand.

"Itachi, next time at least pack all of your crap up before you leave the locker room, yeah!" Deidara yelled to him as he stumbled toward the front entrance with two bags of overflowing crap.

"It serves you right! You wouldn't let me use the flat iron!"

"I would have, I just needed it for like three minutes, yeah." Deidara argued him. The fitness club evening was done. Apparently the trial passes were worth while. But the real question is would anyone be sore from working out the next day?


	7. Chapter 7 Sasori's Morninginterrupted

Kisame yawned, he looked at the clock: 6:39 am. "Why am I awake at 6:39?" he thought to himself. Kisame got out of bed, he knew he would never fall back asleep, besides he knew that Sasori would be up packing Lola's lunch before she left for the law office. Kisame changed clothes and went downstairs. Sasori was just finishing up his daily tacky pick up line on Lola's paper towel. Kisame looked up at Kisame, Sasori didn't look exactly thrilled.

"I hate the fitness club." Sasori said dully.

"Why man? That place kicks ass!

"I have never been this sore in my entire life! Oh my god….the pain is just….you have no idea." Sasori said.

"Sasori, when was the last time you worked out as hard as you did yesterday?" Kisame asked joining Sasori's morning coffee routine. Sasori thought a moment.

"I have no damn clue….God….maybe like…..10 years ago?"

"Exactly! A few more workouts at the club and you will be just fine." Kisame encouraged.

"You know, my grandma was right….'you just can't do everything Sasori, you'll find something you're not good at'. God! Why is my grandma always right! Just when I think I'm going to prove her wrong." Sasori laughed. "Although my grandma also always said 'Sasori East coast girls aren't like Suna girls…my god…was she ever right…of course I also think that I took it in a different way than she meant it…anyway what do you think of this pick-up line? Is it tacky enough?"

"Can I have your phone number? I lost mine." Kisame read it out loud. "Man that is all kinds of tacky." Sasori laughed.

"Sweet, I'll put it in her lunch bag," Sasori said dropping it inside. It wasn't too much longer that Lola appeared down the staircase. She didn't look very excited.

"Okay…..so the fitness club…..yeah not a good idea. I forgot that nothing about me is bendy and little about me is athletic anymore. I blame the fitness club for my soreness this morning." Lola said dryly. Kisame laughed.

"It'll get better Lola. Just give it a little time." Lola just looked doubtfully at Kisame, grabbed her thermos of coffee that Kisame had packed for her, kissed him goodbye and headed out the door.

"So, you get up at 7:00 with Lola, she goes to the office at 8:00….what do you do before everyone else wakes up? You know, especially before Deidara wakes up and says or does something stupid that pisses you off." Kisame wondered.

"I drink some more coffee, read the paper, go make our bed, then I typically find something to fix for dinner and check out the pantry to see if I need to pick up anything from the store. And then, if I have any extra time I try and think of ways to get Deidara to quit saying the phrase 'I just totally don't get that, yeah'."

"Hmmm…I actually never realized you did so much in a day." Kisame said. "But for now, I'm going back to the fitness club. I want to get there before it gets crowded with the stay at home moms who leave their kids at that day care place in the facility."

"See ya." Sasori said not looking up from his morning paper. The fortunate thing for Sasori was the 21 minutes of peace he got from not having to deal with Deidara or Itachi. Of course, he knew it would be a 21 minutes of short lived peace because they would be awake in exactly that time frame. The appearance of Zetsu that morning was an unlikely sight…Zetsu's darker side was not a morning person….

"Ugh, I don't think I'm ever going to lift free weights again. Look at this! This spot on my head is even more swollen than it was yesterday!" Zetsu said showing Sasori the spot.

"You want another ice pack? I'll make you one." Zetsu sighed.

"I guess I should. Stupid plant head!" Zetsu said sitting on the kitchen bar stool. It seemed as though Zetsu was facing a tough day ahead. "But you know, as much as my head hurts I think I'm going to be going back to that place. I liked it, even though it was painful. Hey, by the way, isn't Lola graduating really soon?" Zetsu asked.

"Next month." Sasori answered.

"Is she excited?"

"Would you be excited about graduating with your second PhD. degree knowing that your career path is finally complete?" Sasori asked not really needing an answer. Zetsu laughed.

"Good point." Just as Zetsu was going to continue this conversation, his thoughts were interrupted my screaming upstairs. It was much too early for screaming.

"I TOLD YOU! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! DON'T USE MY PORE CLEANSING CREAM!" Itachi yelled at none other than Deidara who had now run out of their master bedroom and was headed downstairs.

"Good god, just when I thought this was going to me a nice morning." Sasori mumbled.

"I just don't get Itachi, yeah. I mean my god one minute he's all 'here you can use my stuff' then the next minute he's like don't' touch my stuff or I'll knock you in the head, yeah. Then he's all 'hey Deidara I need some help in here' and then he's all 'get the hell out of here you're breathing my air.' I mean it's like Itachi has these hormonal fluctuations that just send his mood intoa frenzy and I swear there are days when he is just like so totally….." Deidara rambled coming down the stairs and into the kitchen, not paying any attention and shoving Sasori out of the way so Deidara could get to his loaf of wheat bread. Sasori cut Deidara off.

"Who was in the kitchen first? Who was in here before you minding his own business not bothering anyone? Hmm?" Sasori questioned him slightly pissed already.

"Oooooh, did you not get any last night, yeah? Because usually when you start this questioning thing that you do when I do what you don't like because you think that I'm all….you know annoying or whatever because I am like just so never annoying I mean so it just makes me wonder if you even….."

"DEIDARA! MY GOD SHUT UP!" Deidara was upset.

"You are so the second person today that has yelled at me and it's only 8:42, yeah. I am not off to a good start today. Oh my god, the paper! Maybe there's a sale somewhere, yeah." Deidara took the newspaper nearly out of Sasori's hands not even realizing that he MIGHT be reading it. "OH MY GOD! PLAY-DOH 6 PACK CRAZY COLORS ARE ONE SALE AT WAL-MART, YEAH!"

"I wasn't reading that or anything. Nope, not looking at that paper at all. I wasn't reading the Wall Street section or the community awareness section." Sasori mumbled to himself. He figured it would be best to pour another cup of coffee and flee the scene before he lost it towards Deidara.

"Well hey, I'm off to see if Hidan will go back to the fitness club with me." And with that Zetsu took off. Apparently the fitness club was the new Akatsuki hobby.

Hope you enjoyed this one! Be sure to look for my next story coming soon: Akatsuki Wedding Planners!


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